Rat Drawn News Drop: Foscam Announces New Line of Baby Monitors That Don’t Call 2 Year Old Children Sluts

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September 4, 2013 by The Friday Facts

Technology manufacturer Foscam has announced an all-new line of wireless N-connectivity baby monitors that include a wide range of new features, such as pan/tilt capability and remote internet viewing technology. The company’s new line also represents a marked advancement on their previous generation of monitors in that they no longer hurl sudden and violent volleys of abuse at sleeping children.

The world’s media was aghast in early August to discover that a Houston, Texas family’s Foscam 2010 Baby Monitor was hacked into by a complete stranger who unleashed a verbal tirade, which included referring to their sleeping two-year-old daughter as a “slut”.

No wonder babies are freaking out when their baby monitors look like fucking Daleks

Foscam’s 2010 line of baby monitors was initially lauded for its internet connectivity and its claim to “remote internet monitoring from anywhere in the world”, however it was this same technology that allowed the monitors to be hacked by people who evidently enjoyed screaming profanely at children; a feature which has been largely viewed as a negative by the public and industry experts.

But Foscam believes it has ironed out this “chink in the armour”.

“We really listened to the market with this line” Said Foscam Asia Pacific CEO Xing-li Hang. “For example, people said they found the monitor’s grey tone a little bit dull, so you can now get them in a range of vibrant colours. The research also indicated that people weren’t comfortable with the monitors calling their children slut or bitch or fuckwad or, you know, whatever else. So we’re hoping that this new line has sort of nipped that one in the bud, too.”

For some time now, the Hong Kong-based company have enjoyed a reputation as an innovator and, initially, their 2010 line of online baby monitors seemed to confirm that status. However that changed when Houston dad Marc Gilbert entered the room of his two year old daughter, Allyson, and found her baby monitor calling her a “little slut”. The monitor then turned its attention to Mr Gilbert himself, referring to him as “stupid moron” and his wife as a “bitch”.

Marc Gilbert: This is not how he imagined himself becoming famous

Further investigation would reveal that their monitor had been hacked by an as yet unknown villain, described by Mr Gilbert as having a “British or European” accent.

Hang described the Gilbert family’s situation as “not ideal”.

“I think it’s important to understand that, here at Foscam, we do not consider Allyson to be a slut. I just can’t stress that enough.” Hang said. “Nor do we consider her an “ass-hat”, “dipshit”, “bennie”, “cock smoker”, “fucktard” or any of the other terms that may or may not have been screamed at her or any other infants from our monitors. The main thing is to remember that our baby monitors are on the cutting edge of technology, with embedded IR-Cut filters as well as a built in network video recording system. The slut thing was just an unfortunate…well, we didn’t see that one coming, put it that way.”

Ms Barnhill believes that Baby-Monitor-Slut-Shaming has gone too far

But despite Hang’s confidence that the new line of baby monitors has overcome what has popularly become known as the “fucking slut defect”, skeptics remain. “My husband and I have just been through a rather messy divorce, and I worry about our (two year old) daughter, Hannah.” Says Springfield, Illinois resident Amber Barnhill. “She’s unhappy all the time and she’s not fitting in at day care and I think she feels the whole world is against her. If the baby monitor turns on her too, well, I fear that could be the last straw.”

But while Hang remains stoic in the face of mounting pressure, he does admit to some nerves about Foscam’s proposed line of Wifi plush dolls that tell children that their favourite football team sucks.

[READER NOTE: Hi there. I feel almost embarrassed saying this but, just so we’re clear here, the post you’ve just read is what is known as a ‘satirical news item’. You get that, right? It’s a little different from my usual posts, I know, but the idea is that it is supposed to be a parody of actual news stories. It looks like a real news item and smells like a real news item, but it’s totally fabricated. None of it is true (except the link to the story in the Daily Mail. That, devastatingly, could scarcely be truer if it tried). I realise that, by explaining this, I may have completely destroyed whatever kernel of funny that may still be hanging on this late in the game, but it’s occurred to me that a lot of people don’t ‘get’ this. I read it to my wife and she looked at me as though I’d just raped a kitten so I just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page here. Because there’s bound to be a few more of these posts over time. So remember: Is parody, not real, supposed to be funny – ed]

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Dad Thought of the Week

Every time my son hears me say a new word he butchers it in the most adorable way.
I say “cheers”, he says “theerth”.
I say “breakie”, he says “beksie”.
When I say “fuck”, however…. perfect diction.

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